Retired Tom Brady’s New Goal: Become World’s Most Hydrated Man

Retired Tom Brady’s New Goal: Become World’s Most Hydrated Man

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UPDATE (12:01pm EST)

April fools! Tom is gill-free and here on land to stay. (Though to be honest, we’re still unclear whether he was performing at the SeaWorld dolphin show.)

That being said, hydration is no joke. You don’t have to be king of the ocean to reach a solid amount of hydration — just hit your hydration baseline by drinking half of your bodyweight in fluid ounces of water every day.

To learn more about getting the most out of your water, check out our free Hydration Guide.

UPDATE (11:05am EST)

Due to the unparalleled amount of water Tom has consumed, he has fully morphed into a merman and retreated into the Mariana Trench to be acknowledged as the one true ruler of the Coral Throne. He has dropped the title of football GOAT and instead adopted the mantle as King of the Oceans, the Seven Seas, and the World’s Waters.

Currently, he’s using his power as ruler to seek new ways of making water even more hydrating, and teach whales about the importance of pliability. While we’ll miss Tom here on land, our loss is the sea’s gain. May his electrolyte-fueled reign of the waves last eons.

UPDATE (10:23am EST)

In a shocking turn of events, reports are coming in that Tom has become so hydrated that he has developed a set of gills. At press time, he has driven from Tampa Bay to Orlando and taken up residence in the SeaWorld tanks. SeaWorld representatives declined to comment, but patrons reported seeing Tom performing in the dolphin show.

According to Tom, he “still isn’t hydrated enough,” and “can’t limit [his] global hydration goals to the land.” It’s currently unclear if this is a “Thirteenth Year” situation, or if he is simply developing a larger water vessel than the Big Tom. More on this story as it develops.


In a press conference this morning, Tom Brady announced that he is abandoning his retirement goals to become "the Most Hydrated Man in the World".

“My football career was an incredible journey,” he stated between swigs from his Big Tom water bottle. “But, hydration has always been important to me as part of the TB12 Method. So, in retirement, I plan on doubling down on my hydration and drinking my entire body weight in water every hour. I’m excited to explore this new venture.”

More on this story as it develops.

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